Can’t get your teenager talking, maybe you’re asking closed questions!!
Getting your teenager to communicate can be challenging at the best of times. As parents and caregivers we need to interpret grunts, shoulder shrugging, I don’t know and whatevers.
So what are open and closed questions?
Here are a few classic examples of closed questions:
How was your day?
Good.
Do anything interesting?
Nup.
Learn anything new today?
No.
You seem upset, want to talk about it?
Nup.
Do you have any idea what course you want to study?
No idea.
Do you have a best friend?
Yes.
Are you feeling better?
Huh
Are you interested in anyone?
NO.
Have you tried drugs or alcohol?
No.
Have you seen pornography?
Yes.
Got any plans for the weekend?
Yes
Closed questions are asking for a yes or no answer. We all use closed questions, they are useful but not when you are trying to have a conversation with your young person. If you want to close down a conversation, closed questions will do that for you. Want to open up a conversation and gain some insight into what’s going on? Then open questions are the way forward.
Here are some open questions:
Could you help me understand…..?
What do you think you will lose if you give up …..?
How do you see things changing?
How can we….?
What is that like?
Where would you like to start?
Have do you feel about….?
Tell me about your day.
How do you handle stress?
Who is your hero…. and why?
What makes you angry…..and why?
What do you wish you knew how to do that you can’t right now?
What do you know about sex?
What do you think makes a good friend?
Who is someone you look up to and why?
When you get free time, what do you like doing?
Tell me about your mates.
How can we….?
What would you do……?
What is that like?
What are you up to this weekend?
Tell me about your …..teacher?
It can be hard at the start to find the brain capacity to switch into open questions however (just like anything), the more you practice the better you get. Try experimenting with open questions and see how that goes.
Want to refine it even more? Make sure that the timing suits your young person, not you, everyone is different. Are they morning people, night owls, better when walking to/from school, after food.? As a Counsellor, I dance around a conversation, listening to what my clients say but also being very deliberate in what I am asking and when timing is very important. It is interesting that a lot of times the most important part of a conversation happens at the end of a session when the client is most comfortable. It just takes time, focus, energy and a deliberate use of open questions.
Contact me if you would like to learn more at lukaswinward.counselling@gmail.com
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